The 'Mutant Message'

I have just read one of my very few novels since having children. The first was 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven' and 'Lovely Bones.' Both are fantastic and incredibly moving and will stay with me forever.
And that, I mean.

Oh my goodness though, this book was good - even though I know it has had some really bad reviews.

And as it was a nice 'thin' book, didn't take me too long to read, in between playing, feeding, bathing, putting to bed, working, planning, marking etc as my life seems to revolve around now. Maybe that's why it has made such an impact - the fact that a book this thin and easy to read could make me think so much about my faith in everything.

In my opinion, the importance of this book cannot be overstated. I honestly believe it will affect me for a long time. The impact really resonates with me. I think the way to look at the book, if you read it, is to open yourself up to the possibilities that are out there and get a feeling for yourself as to whether it resonates with you or uplifts you in any way. It certainly inspires me to be a more spiritual, caring, and in tuned person.

It is called 'Mutant Message From Down Under'.
http://www.amazon.com/Mutant-Message-Under-Marlo-Morgan/dp/0060926317

Yes...I have only read the reviews since reading the book, but I don't care. I thought it was inspirational.

I haven't been to Church properly since my Mum died. I think the last time was my/our wedding. Actually, now I think more, I think it was Annalise's first Easter, when Dad and Anne-marie were with me.
Wow! I've said it aloud. It's true.

Yes. I admit it. Over 4 years ago.

I have big problems with God.

Yes.

I seem to have lost my faith.
But what faith?

I've always looked for something more.

I've been to Christian churches; befriended people from all walks of faith; taught students from and tried to understand Muslim, Buddhist & Hindu students' beliefs; Gone to spiritualists and Fortune tellers; learned how to read tarot cards; been intrigued by Reiki and New Age Ideas; talked/discussed to theology students.

The three books I mentioned above have made me really wonder about the reason we are actually here.
There has to be more than just us here, on this planet, and then dying and becoming compost!

I need more than this!

Annalise has to learn Abba's song 'I have A Dream' for her 'Graduation'.
Every time she comes to 'I believe in Angels' we have the same old conversation that goes something like: "That's where your Mummy is, Mummy. When we're old we'll all live with her"....but then she gets upset and begs me not to leave her for 'the Angels' when I'm old and grey, and then she worries about her own children "I don't want to leave them to go to the Angels!...Why do we have to go the horrible Angels?"
Yes.
For her at the moment, going to live with the 'Angels' means leaving people you love behind. How can I tell her that she is right, that that is what life is all about? Or so it seems?
And by the way, Are there really angels?
Yes.
There has to be more than just compost left behind.

I do believe Mum is looking over me. I can sometimes feel her there - breathing down my neck. And then in the wee small hours when I'm fretting over something or nothing, I can feel her there, calming me down.
And I'm glad she's there.
But, then again, I see little mannerisms in Annalise that I swear were Mummy. Maybe there's a certain aspect of reincarnation in her? Mummy always believed she saw Grandad Charlie in Stephen. But then she saw and talked to Grandad Charlie the day before she died...
Who knows what happens after?....

I just want to live my life as best I can, as nicely and as kind as I can.
I don't want to hurt others. Although, I know I do, unintentionally.
I do hope it is not very often though.

I would love to be rich in wealth. But when I look deeply inside, I know I am sooooooooooooo rich in other ways.
I just have to walk down the street here to realise I am already rich in wealth in comparison to the poverty slum-stricken Indonesian people here, just a block away.
What must they think when they see me walking past with the two girls in our double pram, filled to the brim with shopping bags?
How can I live with myself when I go to the expat supermarket and spend, in one go, my maid's one month salary, and know the goods won't even last me two weeks?

How do I live with myself?
I don't know.
I am a selfish, greedy, materialistic human being.

So what is the solution?
I give up everything material in my life and give it to people who need it more than me?
I'm not sure I could.

Am I going through a personal crisis?

I am also having the strangest, most vivid dreams.
If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant again, as I'm normally only this emotional when I am! (I am not!)

See?....books can make me feel so damn stupid!!

I am going to hug my girls very tightly in bed tonight.

I am also going to drink a glass of wine. Now.

Life, IS good. But why am I feeling so guilty about it?